Exhale Read online

  “The way we’ve been the last couple of days.” He turned and reached into the cabinet for a glass and then leaned against the counter. He paused as he pondered his next words before turning again to face me. “The way we are right now.”

  My eyes zeroed in on a smudge of blueberry that must have dripped onto the counter from someone’s Danish instead of looking at him. “I know what you mean.”

  “Do you?” he asked bluntly. I flicked my eyes in his direction and nodded. “I feel like we’re getting back to where we were…before,” he said.

  I smiled but kept my eyes on the smudge of blueberry filling that streaked the counter. “Me too.”

  Derek filled his glass with water. He took a sip and then sat it down on the counter. “I don’t want to get too crazy or kill the…whatever it is that’s going on between us now, but I have to ask, does this,” he motioned with his hand between the two of us, “make you feel like you’re disrespecting Kyle in any way still?”

  My fingers fumbled for the braided friendship bracelet twisted around my wrist. “No,” I answered honestly.

  I didn’t add that what he’d said a few nights ago was what had changed my mind, my way of thinking, but instead left it at that simple answer. I wasn’t expecting what happened next. In fact, I was caught off guard more this time than I was the very first time.

  Derek was next to me in an instant, his arms on either side of me, pinning me against the counter. His face lowered and his eyes closed as he leaned in to kiss me. I waited until the last moment possible, when just the barest brush of his lips pressed against mine, before I closed my eyes too.

  In the seconds between the moment when Derek’s lips touched mine and when I opened my eyes again, my mind was completely blank. Nothing mattered besides the fluttering warmth that slowly spread from the lower portion of my stomach outward and the feel of his lips pressed against mine.

  “Wahoo, you two better stop all that nonsense before your mama comes in here,” Grandpa said loudly as he made his way into the kitchen, his comment and his finger directed at me.

  I smiled, my cheeks flaming. “I should probably go check on Sarah now.”

  Derek raised his eyebrows at me and took a big swig of his water. I interlaced my fingers with his and pulled him from the room behind me.

  “You know you’re going to get sick, right?” I asked, casting him a sidelong glance.

  “I thought I already told you I could handle it.” He grinned.

  I laughed and shook my head as I curled back up on the couch and tucked my feet beneath me. Sarah was still sitting in the floor, absently brushing the hair on one of her My Little Ponies, her eyes still glued to the TV screen. Derek sat beside me, letting go of my hand for only a split second before he reached back over and threaded his warm fingers through mine again. I smiled to myself, my insides feeling warm and fuzzy in a good way. I was just thinking of what this meant for us, if we were finally together for real, or if we were just taking things slow, when Grandpa came storming into the living room.

  “Where’s all the damn sugar at in this house?” His voice boomed through the fairly quiet room. “I came here thinking I was going to get some sweets.”

  “Mom didn’t buy that stuff this year,” I said, trying to stifle the laugh that wanted to erupt from my throat at his temper tantrum.

  “It’s because of Stacy, isn’t it? She’s like a damn sugar Nazi now,” Grandpa grumbled. “Well, come on. Get up. Let’s all go get some ice cream.”

  “Ice cream? I love ice cream!” Sarah shouted as her entire face lit up.

  “Mom and them should be back any minute. They just went to the grocery store,” I said, hoping to detour Grandpa’s idea.

  “So, what’s your point?” he asked point-blank.

  “I don’t think Aunt Stacy would want Sarah to have ice cream at 9:30 in the morning,” I said.

  Grandpa smiled maliciously at me. “And you think I give a shit?”

  My eyes grew wide at his choice of words and I chuckled. “Okay then, I guess we’re going to get ice cream.”

  “Yea, ice cream!” Sarah yelled as she bounced up and down. “Can I get rainbow sprinkles, too?”

  Grandpa winked at her. “Of course, you can.”

  “Feel like driving us to get some ice cream?” I asked Derek, because I didn’t.

  “Sure, why not.” He smiled.

  “Ah, the boy doesn’t have to drive…I’ll drive us there,” Grandpa insisted.

  “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” Derek said, his eyes flashing, he knew all about Grandpa Elliott’s sickness.

  “Derek’s right, Grandpa. Why don’t you go ahead and let him drive?” I stood and walked to the door to tug on my brown boots. “So when are your crazy relatives getting here?” I asked Derek with a crooked grin.

  He sighed. “Tomorrow.”

  “Awesome,” I said sarcastically.

  After getting Sarah ready and finding Aunt Stacy’s keys so that we could get Sarah’s car seat, we walked across Derek’s yard and were finally all climbing into his Jeep. Grandpa sat in the back with Sarah and I sat in the passenger seat.

  I glanced at Derek as he cranked the engine and put his Jeep in reverse. I felt like things were finally returning to some form of normal between us. He caught my stare and smiled shyly. His hand reached across the seats for mine. I intertwined my fingers with his and returned his smile. I was right where I wanted to be.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  My house came alive around seven the next morning. I’d taken some nighttime medicine Mom had practically forced down my throat the night before so I would be able to sleep, because apparently she needed me up bright and early in the morning to help prepare for dinner that night. Groggy, I sauntered down the hall and into the kitchen in a pair of stretchy Capris and an oversized T-shirt. Mom and Aunt Stacy were already bustling around full force and the air smelled heavily of coffee.

  “Morning, sunshine,” Mom greeted. “Pull up a stool and start peeling.”

  I didn’t argue or complain because I had expected this. It was the same every year. I ended up peeling an entire mountain of potatoes, diced them up, placed them in the largest pot we had, and then filled it with water before clearing out a space in the fridge for it. An hour flew by and then another. Come 9:00, everyone from both households was awake and congregating in our tiny kitchen.

  Derek’s Aunt Sharon came with her two kids, Marcus who was now fourteen and Ashley who had just turned twelve. His Grandpa Lou and Grandma Betty came, as well as his Uncle Jared and his new wife Marisa. We had seen everyone just a few months ago for Kyle’s service, but from the way everyone acted, you would never have been able to tell. I kept watching Derek from the corner of my eye, but every now and then, I would sneak a direct glance his way, because I couldn’t help but wonder how he felt celebrating the holiday without his brother. I also noticed how Darlene and Tim seemed somber one minute and happy the next, the two emotions seemingly at war within them.

  Kyle’s absence was like a big elephant in the room nobody talked about. It was there. He was there, in everyone’s heads.

  It wasn’t until later that night, when we were putting the finishing touches on our feast, that someone finally breached the subject of Kyle.

  “Rolls are done,” Aunt Stacy said as she pulled them from in the oven and poked at them to make sure they were soft. “And they’re soft…remember that one year when we put Kyle in charge of making the rolls and they came out rock hard?” She smiled, oblivious to what she’d just done. My mouth dropped and the room grew eerily silent. She’d mentioned the person we were all thinking about, but had refused to let his name pass from our lips, unsure if just the sound of his name would bring someone to the verge of tears. “Oh… I’m sorry,” she said, looking directly at Darlene who stood beside her, stirring the gravy with unfocused eyes.

  I watched Darlene closely as I waited for her reaction. She surprised me by laughing.

  “I do remember th
at!” Darlene nodded. “Remember that, Tim?”

  “Yeah, we took them all out back and lined up some empty soda cans for target practice with them.” Tim laughed.

  Everyone laughed then and soon all of us were speaking at once to add in our own memory of that moment. More tales of previous Thanksgivings were told as we all made our plates and they continued being told throughout dinner. Derek sat beside me at the table, his body shaking as he chuckled lowly at some of the stories while he ate his food. My eyes dropped to the friendship bracelet still around my wrist. I had yet to take it off. My vision blurred and I blinked rapidly—Kyle would be happy that we were all remembering him this way.

  Derek’s hand slid across my thigh beneath the table. “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded.

  “I think Kyle would be happy to know that we were all sitting around laughing at his expense like always,” Derek whispered, a sideways grin hanging loosely on his face.

  “Me too,” I agreed, finally peeling my eyes away from the bracelet.

  “I was worried, you know, that everyone would look at me today and only see him just like at the service, but this turned out to be pretty nice.” He gave my thigh a squeeze.

  “Yeah, it has.”

  “Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” Tim said as he stood up and tapped his fork against his glass of ice water. “I don’t know if this is the right time to say this, or even how to begin because…well,” he paused and glanced down at Derek’s mom. “We haven’t had to announce anything like this in quite a while. So, I’m just going to come right out and say it… Darlene and I are going to have another baby. We’re pregnant.”

  Congratulations and clapping burst through the room. I sat there frozen, my stomach twisted into knots. Life had truly moved on, the Connor’s new baby was proof of that. Derek’s hand clamped down on my thigh with too much pressure. He had this funny-looking smile on his face, but I could see right through it. This was the last thing he had been expecting to hear, ever. I covered his hand with mine, and forced my lips into a smile they didn’t want to make because it felt wrong to openly be upset about something Derek’s parents were obviously so ecstatic about, as I continued eating.

  “I can’t believe they’re having another kid so soon,” Derek said, his hands clasped together in front of him as we sat on the picnic table in my backyard. “It just—I don’t know…” he trailed off.

  “Say it…say whatever it is you’re thinking,” I coaxed him, afraid that he would block me out again and that we would never be able to get back to where we were—that good place—just before dinner.

  “I know they didn’t plan this…I do, it’s just that Kyle has only been gone for five months. It’s like they’re starting over, like they’re erasing what happened with this new beginning or something,” he muttered.

  I could see where he would think that, but I knew that wasn’t his parents’ intentions. It couldn’t be. They would never purposely erase Kyle.

  “Maybe it would be better if I just dropped out of school and left. I’ll be turning eighteen in a couple of weeks anyway. That way, I won’t be around to remind them at all of what they’ve lost. They can have the fresh start in peace that they must be craving,” he said, staring through my kitchen window at our mingling family members with their smiling faces.

  “No. You need to stay. You know that’s not how they feel,” I insisted.

  His gaze shifted to me, his eyes hard and penetrating. “My blood is boiling right now and they’re happy…something is wrong with that. I shouldn’t feel angry right now, I should be happy just like everyone else, but I’m not. I’m not, Katie.” His eyes glazed over and my chest squeezed with emotion.

  I swallowed hard before I spoke, my mind racing with things to make this situation better, to comfort him. “It’s okay, everyone deals with things differently.”

  His features grew taut, like he was struggling to build the wall he’d been hiding behind for so long now, back up. Desperation flashed in his eyes as they swelled with tears when he was unable to.

  “I miss him. I miss him so damn much,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

  “I know, I do too.”

  “I still think about that night. It haunts me in my dreams.” He paused, his head dropping into his hands. “If I had just—I still think that if…” he choked on his words, causing tears to flow from my eyes.

  “Don’t, don’t think like that. You’ve got to let it go. It wasn’t your fault,” I cried, my own words echoing through my mind as memories of that night rose to the surface again, the heavy guilt smothering me once more.

  Derek’s body shook with silent sobs beside me. I reached out and pulled him to me. He laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his dark hair as he cried.

  “It’s not fair…Kyle should be here. He should,” Derek insisted through spasms of pent-up emotions and heart-wrenching sobs. “But, he’s not…”

  I closed my eyes as I continued to stroke his hair, my chest becoming so incredibly constricted that I couldn’t breathe as the tears spilled from my eyes faster.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I stood in front of my mirror, brushing my hair while wondering how Derek held up last night. We hadn’t talked all day today. I’d sent him a few messages and got no response, so I hadn’t pressed my luck by trying to call. He finally sent me a message about thirty minutes ago saying that he would pick me up so we could ride together to Brody’s house. I smoothed my shirt out with my hands and applied another layer of Chapstick before heading to the living room to sit in a recliner and wait.

  My house was still packed. The guys were all lying around lazily in the living room watching football, still stuffed from last night’s dinner, while the women were sitting at the dining room table talking and flipping through holiday magazines. Ashley sat in the floor playing with Sarah and her My Little Ponies. She’d turned out to be a better babysitter than me.

  Derek came through the front door without knocking. He was dressed in dark jeans, a plain heather-grey shirt, and a black jacket. Dark circles had formed overnight beneath his eyes and I wondered how much sleep he had actually gotten.

  “You ready?” he asked. His lips twisted into the ghost of a smile, but it didn’t erase the hardness that swirled within his eyes.

  I wondered if he knew what Brody was planning or if he was still just trying to piece himself back together from his parents’ announcement last night.

  “Yeah,” I stood. “We’ll see you guys later,” I said to everyone as we headed out the door.

  * * * *

  Brody’s house was amazing. It was actually his parents’ summer home, but when his mom left him and his dad when Brody was eleven, his dad decided to sell the house that they’d lived at in Atlanta, Georgia, and downsize by moving here to Dansburke.

  We pulled up to the yellow cottage-like house that had the ocean for a backyard, and parked beside Missy’s black Civic. The entire ride over had been comfortable, but silent. Derek had placed his hand on my thigh while he drove and some low-key music filled the Jeep with noise, holding off the eerie silence that could have easily smothered us. I wanted to ask how he was handling the news of his parents having another baby and if he had talked to them, but couldn’t seem to figure out how to breach the subject. When he cut the engine, I decided to just go ahead and ask.

  “So, did you talk to your parents about everything last night?” My heart hammered in my stomach as I said the words, I didn’t want to ruin the night before it had even begun.

  He nodded, but didn’t look at me. “Yeah.”

  “And?” I prompted in a soft tone, hoping he would give me a little more than that, but not wanting to press the issue too hard.

  “I feel better.”

  I pinched my lips together. How was I supposed to be there for him—to be his friend or anything more—if he wasn’t going to let me in? “So…what did you say? Did you tell them how you felt about the new baby?
”

  His fingers squeezed and released the steering wheel repeatedly. “Everything’s fine. I was being stupid and childish. The new baby will be a good thing for them. It will give them a reason to keep going.”

  My lips parted as my eyebrows drew together in concern. It was crystal clear to me what he was doing—how his words had been more to convince himself than me. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling right now, but I knew him, and I knew that once he saw his sibling’s little face, he’d be just as happy as his parents were.

  “Can we just go inside now?” he asked, his eyes pleading with me not to ask any more questions.

  “Sure.”

  We walked around to the lower portion of the house where the basement door was located in the back. The ocean waves had picked up and the sound of them rushing to the shore and mingling with the music coming from Brody’s basement was familiar, but not in a good way. It was too reminiscent of that night and I wondered how it would affect Derek. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye as we started up a little pathway to the slightly ajar basement door; his face was blank, void of any emotion and all. I slid my hand into his. It was as close as I could get to him at the moment. The door opened all the way before we could reach it and Brody stepped out carrying a large cardboard box in his arms.

  “Oh, hey guys. Head on inside, I’m just setting this out here so Missy will leave it alone. The anticipation is killing her,” Brody said, an ear-to-ear grin stretching across his face.

  Derek laughed. It rumbled through him and vibrated his hand in mine, making me smile. “Missy doesn’t like surprises? Go figure.”

  “Katie, you made it!” Missy shouted when she spotted me through the open door. I took note of how classic she looked—her blonde ringlets glossy and perfectly placed, her makeup neutral, the champagne-colored top she wore modestly fitting and exposing virtually no amount of skin. She topped the outfit off with black leggings and a cute pair of boots. I had never seen her dressed so normal before.